If Job Interviews Rewarded People For Honesty…

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Let’s face it, job interviews are no place for honest people. Answer questions candidly in good faith, and you’re toast. Tell them the diplomatic lies they want to hear, and ¬†you’re in like Flynn(“My passion is to help people! I loved my old job, and the only reason I left was that I felt I had reached a point where the position wasn’t conducive to helping me achieve my future goals, etc.”)Well, actually you may not get the job anyway if you don’t look the part or if you give off any kind of off putting vibe at any point in the process.

In any event here are some honest interview answers we’d like to see:

“What makes you want to work for us?”

A: I need a job or I will run out of money. I applied to 20 places, and you were one of the ones who called me back

“I see that you only worked at this place for 4 months. What happened there?”

A: I hated it. The place was like a prison, and you needed to clock out just to take a piss. They also gave me more accounts than anyone could possibly handle.”

“What are you looking for in your next job?”

A:Something that pays all right and where I’m not constantly in fear of being fired for violating some trivial technicality.

“Were you able to consistently hit your quota?”

A: Yes, but only for a while. Then I got burnt out. Then again the quotas were so unrealistic that no one on the entire team was hitting them, except maybe like 1 or 2 people.

“Tell me about a time when “XYZ” happened and how did you handle it?

A: I can’t really think of a specific example, so let me just pull something out of my ass real quick and hope that it sounds like something that could have actually happened.

“What would your colleagues say about you”

A: That I’m sort of creepy cause I tend to hit on girls through the office communicator and on Linkedin, but that I know what the fuck I’m doing, and that’s why everyone still asks me for help.


Brandon Adamson is the author of “Beatnik Fascism

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